Confusion…

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to teach.

Why?

I love being around children.  Helping them grow and learn is a passion of mine.  This has not changed…however, my passion for teaching has.

I love teaching my class and I am great at it.  I may not spend hours on lesson planning or making elaborate bulletin boards, but my students love coming to school, and they feel safe and cared for.  Since when did this become so “unimportant”?

It is those teachers who, on paper look great (Elaborate lessons, and pristine classrooms), who are recognized.  They are the teachers who administrators, the board, and the ministry want us to strive to be.

The pressure is building and I am falling back into a place where I do not feel worthy.  Where I feel like my work is not recognized because I am not good enough at my job.

It is just a job…so why do I care so much.

After having Quinn all I want to do is stay home and be a mom.  My husband has said it is. It financially possible.  I get it…I agree, it is not feasible….YET.  I  need to keep an open mind.  Things will change eventually and it is time for me to recognize what is really important in my life, and to make changes.

Time to Slow Down!

Today was my first day back to work, and boy do I have my work cut out for me!   The room was super unorganized…I had no schedule…and the students were super loud!  I felt like there was no structure and my mind automatically went to a place that I do not want it to go.  I began thinking about everything that I need to do…the list just kept getting longer and longer and ….you get the idea!

Breathe….slow down.  I cannot do it all and I must take it one step and one day at a time.

I also started my fitness challenge today.  The food was awesome and I felt energized!  I woke up super early to work out and found the workout to be really difficult.  After seven minutes I “maxed out” and after eighteen minutes I turned the DVD off!  It is only a thirty minute workout but YIKES!  My goal tomorrow is to make it to the thirty minutes!

My goal for work is to observe, take notes, and prioritize.  What really NEEDS to be done, and what can I do without.

I must accept that I am enough!

The Day has Come

Here it is…the night before going back to work.  I realize that there are a lot worse things in the world, however, as part of falling in love with myself, I need to recognize my feelings for what they truly are.

I have cried numerous times today.  In fact I am crying now.  I cannot explain what is making me feel so upset.  Work itself has not been a stress for me…it is more the fact that I am no longer a stay-at-home mom.

I do not want to be away from my little one.  I love her so much, and the happiness that she brings to myself and my husband is like no other.  I guess I am afraid that there will be some kind of emptiness when I return to work.  I do not want to miss anything.

Deep down I know that this is part of life and that it will all work out.  Right now I am just so sad.

I begin my fitness challenge tomorrow too so stay tuned to see how my return to work and fitness challenge play out!

I Cannot Sleep

I was up every two hours last night with my little one and the feeling of exhaustion led me to have a splitting headache.  I was able to get a quick nap in this morning and now my baby girl is down for nap number two and I cannot sleep.

I look at her sleeping and tears roll down my face.  I go back to work in two short weeks.  I never knew that it could be this hard.

She brings me so much joy, and the thought of not being with her makes me sick to my stomach.  I miss her already, but I am not gone yet.  I feel such an emptiness.

I am having a difficult time getting out of this dark place right now.  But, as a beautiful friend of mine says “it is what it is”.  This is going to happen.  I need to return to work.  That is just the way it is!  Once I go, I know that everything will be okay.

My daughter has brought light into my life.  This is the year that I go back to work and fight for those children in my classroom.  I will not accept these children receiving a poor education because “there is not enough help”.  I will find the help!  I do not care who I have to talk to, or fight to get it, but I will find it.  I am not “super human”!  I cannot do it all.  If this is a problem, then perhaps things need to change, but I do not have to change.  I am happy with who I am!!

The dreaded return

Only a few weeks left and I will return to work.  I feel a deep sense of sadness.  I have spent the past ten months with my baby girl and the thought of being away from her makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I ask myself, ” how will I get through this?”

I am not alone!  This is something that parents face everyday.  It will be hard, however, it is part of a life that I have chosen for myself.  I have to remember that my husband has been going through this separation for the past ten months and he still has a special bond with our daughter.

I will make the best of it.  I will go into work really early because she sleeps until 7:30 anyways.  I will come home early so I can spend time with her before bed!  I will leave work at work!!  Weekends are for family!  I can do this.

Negative Nelly

While vacationing in Florida with my husband and baby girl, negative thoughts about myself began to flood my mind.

–  my belly is fat…I look pregnant

–  I may as well just eat and drink crap because I am fat and unhealthy

–  I’m going to fail when I go back to work

–  I spent too much money, now I’m in even more debt….I’m so stupid…

These thoughts are terrible, and what is worse is that I truly believe them at the time.  If my daughter ever grew up to say these things about herself I would be so horribly sad.

Enough is enough already!  It is time to live my life.

I have decided to challenge myself.  I keep saying I want to be healthy, but I never know where to start and find that I am unmotivated.  I have decided to join a challenge group in January to help build my fitness level and to eat more healthy!  I am fully committed to sticking with this challenge for 30 days.  I know I can do this!!  Fitness and healthy eating are so important to my health.  I want to be around for my daughter and I want to take care of myself because I am deserving.  By doing this challenge I am showing myself and my family that I love and take care of myself.

Starting on January 5 you can follow me on my journey.  I will not be posting before and after pictures because to me it is not about what my exterior looks like after the 30 days…I want to report on the things that cannot be seen with the naked eye.  I am excited about this new chapter!

Please go AwaY

It is back with a vengeance!

Anxiety!

The house is a complete and utter mess, as it often gets when I slip into anxiousness.

My heart pounds,

My breath quickens,

My head feels dizzy,

My thoughts play tricks on me,

I must be sick ( I tell myself),

Just breathe!

Nothing in particular happens in my life to make me feel this way.  When the anxiousness hits I always go to  a place where I think I am sick and that something truly awful must be happening to me.

Ever since my mom passed away, I have had some very difficult times with worries attached to health.  I assume the worst when I do not feel like myself.

I close my eyes, breathe, and go deep within.  I am healthy.  My family is healthy.  Everything is okay.  Trust.

The Return

Returning to work.

It is weighing on my mind.  As a mother returning to work, I already feel guilt.  Guilt, that I will miss out on some pretty big developments in my daughters life.  Practicing self love and compassion is going to help with this.

I work at a challenging school.  I have been told that I am returning to a very difficult class who is said to be the most challenging in the school.  Ok…I need to take a step back and go to a positive place.

1.     I love the students at this school and we have a mutual respect for one another.

2.     My love for the students goes a long way.

3.     I respect and empathize with the students and parents in the community, and receive respect in return.

4.     I am strong, I can do this.

Sure, I can name a long list of ways in which I think I will fail…but where will this take me?  I need to start this new adventure off right.  I need to be positive and trust in myself.

The Love I Feel

The love I feel in my heart, as I look at my daughter sleeping peacefully in her crib, is like no other.  It cannot be expressed in words.

I love myself for carrying her,

I love myself for nursing her,

I love myself for taking care of her,

I love myself for providing her with unconditional love.

My daughter is my motivation for falling in love with myself.

My wish for her is that she will see herself through my eyes.  That she will love herself.

That she will have love and compassion for others.

Naggitty Nag Nag

I have tea dates with my beautiful friend every weekend.  Last weekend we talked about our husbands, and not in such a positive light.  We agreed that we are very lucky to have husbands that help out with the kids and with the daily work around the house, and that we need to see the good in them.

Both of us have the same problem…we need to love ourselves!  We challenged one another to not nag the men for the day.  I got the idea from the book “The Happiness Project”, where the author talks about going for a week without nagging her husband.

When you try this, you really realize how much nagging you do!  Why do I nag my husband?  Is it because of my own deep down insecurities?  Why should I make the man in my life who I truly love feel less of himself?

It has now been five days and I have not nagged my husband once!  I have felt like it for sure, but I am aware of it and I talk myself through it and realize….it’s not worth it.  As a result I actually feel better about myself too.

Today was a good day.  I did not work out, and I snacked on chocolate chips and more than one glass of red wine while watching a movie with my husband.  But, you know what?  I loved every single moment of it.  So I ask, what is so wrong with that?